Losing People Sucks
This post is a catharsis. It does not hold any special meaning, or profound knowledge. This is just a way for me to maybe get some sleep tonight.
I am not one who has had to deal with a lot of grief in their life. I have been extremely lucky in that regard. But now that I'm here, I find that I am not the best at dealing with it. The last time I had to deal with grief, it wasn't mine. But what I did have to deal with later was guilt, which is much more toxic, and I had no reference on how to deal with myself. It took me a long time to get over it, and although I have never forgiven myself, all in all I have moved through that and am, I hope, a better person for it. The last time I had to deal with my own grief, I was 12 years old and never got to say goodbye, which luckily was not the case this time. Last time left an imprint that I think no one expected, or really realized until later. I didn't know how to deal with that either. That was the start of some pretty dark times in my life, that I couldn't talk to anyone about. But once again, I came through it a better person. Now I'm here, faced with the first death of a close family member in my life, at 26, and I still don't know how to deal. It goes through stages. When I first heard that Grandma had been put on comfort care, my reaction was to cry hard for about an hour. I packed a bag, got on a ferry and went home. By the time I got there, I was cried out. I cried a few more times at the nursing home but most of the time there was nothing. And it wasn't like I was holding tears back. I just had none left. Even when I said goodbye, I couldn't cry. When we got the call the next morning that she had passed in the night, I still couldn't cry very much. I felt numb. But it wasn't just a no feeling kind of numb. It was an empty ache, that you know you should be crying for but can't. I had to go home that night, for a class on Friday, so I have spent the weekend alone. Sure I've talked to my parents and my partner on the phone, but I'm a tactile person. I crave physical comfort, and here I don't have any. I had to get homework done, but I had no motivation to do it until the last day I had. That's what really sucks about grief. It paralyzes you, but the rest of the world keeps on keeping on, and mostly expects you to do the same. So you embrace that numbness that lets you seem normal and go about your day, until the night and you can sleep because your brain won't shut up long enough to let you sleep. Sometimes you cry so hard you think you might break apart and sometimes you just lie there cold and empty with nothing left to give. And then you think that this isn't what that loved one would want for you, this isn't how they would want you to feel, and you feel guilty for not feeling better. But it hurts. It just plain hurts. And you'll see their picture or something that reminds you they're gone, and it just starts all over again. You don't know what to tell your friends, because they didn't know her. They didn't grow up holding her hand. They will just say sorry for your loss and move on.
So, as much as I have been lucky not to have had to deal with a lot of grief in my life, in a way I think that has set me up to not be the best at dealing with it when it comes along.
That's all I got.
I am not one who has had to deal with a lot of grief in their life. I have been extremely lucky in that regard. But now that I'm here, I find that I am not the best at dealing with it. The last time I had to deal with grief, it wasn't mine. But what I did have to deal with later was guilt, which is much more toxic, and I had no reference on how to deal with myself. It took me a long time to get over it, and although I have never forgiven myself, all in all I have moved through that and am, I hope, a better person for it. The last time I had to deal with my own grief, I was 12 years old and never got to say goodbye, which luckily was not the case this time. Last time left an imprint that I think no one expected, or really realized until later. I didn't know how to deal with that either. That was the start of some pretty dark times in my life, that I couldn't talk to anyone about. But once again, I came through it a better person. Now I'm here, faced with the first death of a close family member in my life, at 26, and I still don't know how to deal. It goes through stages. When I first heard that Grandma had been put on comfort care, my reaction was to cry hard for about an hour. I packed a bag, got on a ferry and went home. By the time I got there, I was cried out. I cried a few more times at the nursing home but most of the time there was nothing. And it wasn't like I was holding tears back. I just had none left. Even when I said goodbye, I couldn't cry. When we got the call the next morning that she had passed in the night, I still couldn't cry very much. I felt numb. But it wasn't just a no feeling kind of numb. It was an empty ache, that you know you should be crying for but can't. I had to go home that night, for a class on Friday, so I have spent the weekend alone. Sure I've talked to my parents and my partner on the phone, but I'm a tactile person. I crave physical comfort, and here I don't have any. I had to get homework done, but I had no motivation to do it until the last day I had. That's what really sucks about grief. It paralyzes you, but the rest of the world keeps on keeping on, and mostly expects you to do the same. So you embrace that numbness that lets you seem normal and go about your day, until the night and you can sleep because your brain won't shut up long enough to let you sleep. Sometimes you cry so hard you think you might break apart and sometimes you just lie there cold and empty with nothing left to give. And then you think that this isn't what that loved one would want for you, this isn't how they would want you to feel, and you feel guilty for not feeling better. But it hurts. It just plain hurts. And you'll see their picture or something that reminds you they're gone, and it just starts all over again. You don't know what to tell your friends, because they didn't know her. They didn't grow up holding her hand. They will just say sorry for your loss and move on.
So, as much as I have been lucky not to have had to deal with a lot of grief in my life, in a way I think that has set me up to not be the best at dealing with it when it comes along.
That's all I got.
Cheers
Sláinte
Skol
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